My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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