I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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