Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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