My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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