Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
