You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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