i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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