i would punch a child for taco bell
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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