I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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