I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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