Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
