its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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