i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
