My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
it's like iHOP with fire
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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