Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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