i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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