Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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