So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
