Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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