My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
