I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
