I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
