fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Still dying that you shit outside
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
