I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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