Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so let's talk penis.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
