he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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