What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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