So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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