Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
