even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
