If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
