I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
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I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
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I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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