I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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