I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
