Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
