I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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