i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
