so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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