I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
