dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
