She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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