I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
