I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
