yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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