Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
