Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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