Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
