This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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