Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
