It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
