Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He shit in the fireplace
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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