it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Girls should come with a carfax report
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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