I just saw a hot homeless man
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
