i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
