Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
