We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
