I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
