True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
