i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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